I had been preparing for this day for 9 months. I knew it would be challenging in many ways and I tried to anticipate what would be the most emotional part.

Would it be when he opened his eyes for the first time? Would it be the sound of his first cry? Would it be the warmth of his body or the first time he latched? I could only imagine; I was never really sure. One thing I was sure of, it would be overwhelming. And I was right.

Our birth plans changed drastically while I was in labor with Gideon. (Maybe I’ll write it all out someday.) We had intended to give birth at a completely different location with a completely different team of providers than we had with Miriam. Long story short, we ended up transferring to the same hospital, the same floor, the same doctor that we had when Miriam was born. 

Throughout my labor, I was completely focused on meeting Gideon. When the time finally came for me to start pushing, I smiled ear to ear. I kept saying, “I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready!” Gideon was born and they laid him on my chest just as he started to cry. I looked down at him and saw his little lips quivering and I couldn’t help but thank God for this sweet miracle. Shortly after, he opened his eyes and stared right at me. I saw that they were deep, dark blue and I was absolutely smitten. We spent the next two hours loving on our baby and doing skin to skin. It was absolutely heavenly.

They took Gideon to get his measurements and brought a cart for us to pack up and move to our postpartum room. They also brought in a wheelchair for me and explained that babies only move around the hospital in mama’s arms. ❤️ I sat down and Jonah handed me Gideon. We started making our way down the hall and THAT’S when it hit me. That’s when the emotions were overwhelming and that’s when the memories all flooded back.

The last time I was at this hospital, on this floor, in a wheelchair, there was no baby in my arms. My baby was still in the hospital room and I had just said goodbye to her for the last time. I would never hold her again or kiss her again. I would never even see her again except in the few pictures we were able to capture.

The tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about other families that might be experiencing that kind of sorrow at this very moment while I was experiencing such great joy in the new life I was holding. I said a prayer for them and asked God to provide immense comfort and hope in the idea that they can see their baby again someday in Heaven. I also prayed that God will strategically place people in their life that will recognize and honor their loss and who won’t be quick to assure them that “everything will be okay” or that “they can always have another baby.” I thought about how I had another baby in my arms at that very moment and yet my desire and longing for Miriam had never been stronger.

If there is one thing that Jonah and I have learned, it’s that there is no “easier”, no “grief-relief”, no “consolation prize” that makes up for the loss. There is only Jesus and the hope that He makes available to each and every one of us through the power of salvation.

So, as we bring Gideon home and continue to raise him and love on him as we wish we could have done with his sister, know that we have not moved on or forgotten our baby girl. Quite the contrary, we think of her now more than ever before. 

Happy 18 months in Heaven, sweet girl. Mommy and daddy love you. 💜