It was around 5 p.m. on July 9 when the tears started streaming down my face. No one asked what was wrong. Everyone knew. It was just 6 hours earlier that I learned my baby girl had already passed from this life into eternity. I was in a hospital gown, in a hospital bed, in a hospital room, waiting for the doctor to break my water and start the labor process. This was supposed to be the day I was looking forward to for 8 months but nothing was like I had imagined. There was no excitement, no anxious anticipation, no smiles or laughter. Only tears.

These particular tears, however, were not for my baby girl. No, these tears were for her cousins.

All I could think about in that moment was how all of Miriam’s sweet cousins were too young to experience death. Too young to understand why they would never get to meet the newest member of their family. Too young to understand that there was a baby in my belly one day and not the next. Too young for heartache and disappointment. Too young to sympathize. And, worst of all (it was at this point that the tears started flowing), they might be too young to remember that my Miriam ever even existed. The very thought was too much to bear.

Over the past three months, all of those worries and fears have been completely put to rest. I could never have anticipated the joy that would come from interacting with each of my nieces and nephews following my daughter’s birth.

You see, all of them are still “too young for death.” Too young to understand the devastating separation that results when death comes. But they are also too young to understand the “socially acceptable” responses to death. And that is the most refreshing thing ever. I have had conversations with 3 and 4 year olds that have refreshed my spirit in miraculous ways and I am forever grateful for the blessing that each of these children are in my life. Above all, it is beyond evident that they have not forgotten about Miriam and I am absolutely convinced that they never will.

Just for fun, I have included a few brief comments/conversations. Enjoy.

• One of the nieces burst into tears. When asked what was wrong, she responded, “I really wanted Miriam to be 0 like my brother.”
• When our oldest nephew heard about Miriam’s death, his mom told him that it was okay for him to be sad. He’s quite a thoughtful little boy and he told his mom, “I am sad. But Miriam is living her best life with Jesus.”
• One of the younger girls, not even quite two yet, saw a picture of Miriam on my phone screensaver and simply said, “Pretty baby.” My heart melted.
• All of Miriam’s cousins on the Kubish side of the family got together and helped to make a wreath for Miriam’s grave. When they were telling me all about the craft they had done, one of the boys piped up and exclaimed, “We drew a rainbow for Miriam because rainbows are in the sky just like her!”
• On vacation with my family, I was sitting at the dining room table playing cards with a niece and a nephew. My niece laid down a card and casually asked, “Do you know who I wish was here?” Expecting her to say one of her friends (maybe even the friend who had taught her this card game), I asked, “Who?” “Miriam,” she said. “I really miss her.” My nephew agreed, “I miss her too.”
• A simple prayer from one of my nieces, “God, please help Aunt GG and Uncle Jonah not to be sad. We are all sad because we miss Miriam but thank you that we get to play with her in Heaven some day.”
• “Do you think grandma is holding Miriam in Heaven right now? I think she is. And I think Miriam is probably sleeping.” I loved hearing my niece’s theory. Although, from what I know about Miriam (having experienced her in the womb), she’s probably doing somersaults in Heaven. 🙂

This one is my favorite. I can’t explain it and it might seem dark but, I absolutely loved this conversation and I wish adults had the courage to ask me these questions. This was a conversation between me, my 3 year old niece, and my 3 year old nephew.

• Nephew: “Are you going to have another baby?”
• Me: “Maybe someday I will.”
• Niece: “What if that baby dies?”
• Me: “Well, then that baby will get to play with Miriam in Heaven until we get there.”
• Nephew: “And we will get to play with them too?”
• Me: “That’s right.”
• Niece: “I hope you have a baby that we get to play with here.”
• Me: “Me too, sweetheart. Me too.” ❤