S I L E N C E

Baby M-18.jpg July 9, 2019 – 11:40 a.m.
The doctor searches for a heartbeat but can’t find one. Instead, silence.

We sit in the delivery room. We can’t manage to speak. Silence.

July 10, 2019 – 5:42 a.m.
I feel Miriam’s head. I push. The nurse lays her on my chest. Silence.

We hold her and take pictures. We stare at her beautiful face. Her eyes stay shut; her mouth doesn’t move. Silence.

We drive home. There’s no baby in the backseat. Silence.

We step into her nursery. Silence.

We fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night; we are desperate to discover this was all a nightmare. I wrap my hands around my belly. I wait for a kick. There’s nothing. Nothing but silence.

The silence is deafening.

I cannot explain what it is like to experience such silence. The first few days that we spent in our house tormented me. One night, I laid face down on the carpet in Miriam’s room. I cried so long and so hard that there were no tears left. And that’s when I noticed the silence. Or…I guess I should say, that’s when I noticed the opportunity that the silence brought.

For days, I had been filling my time with noise. I was so averse to silence and to the reality that my baby was dead, I couldn’t handle being alone with my thoughts. I was afraid of the dark places they would take me. I was afraid of the guilt, and the shame, and the pain they would cause.

I laid on the floor with nothing to distract me. And the thoughts began to come. The thoughts I had pushed down. The thoughts that were secretly eating away at me. The thoughts that were keeping me from opening up about my grief.

But, all of the sudden, I wasn’t alone. My thoughts were being interrupted by the Word of God.

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. – Psalm 62:5-6

In that moment, I realized my enemy was not in the silence. Just the opposite. My enemy was in the noise, and the distractions, and the fear of sharing my grief. God was in the silence.

“My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” – Psalm 62:7-8

All that time, the enemy wanted me to believe that I had to avoid the silence. That I needed to stay busy and distracted. He made me believe that my refuge came from the things of this world.

When I began writing this blog, I discovered another passage in the book of Psalms that really spoke to me.

“Unless the Lord helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” – Psalm 94:17-19

Oh, how good our God is to support us and give us comfort and hope when doubts fill our minds. All we have to do is be silent in His presence and allow His word to speak truth into our life.

It’s Not Over

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That’s the thing about grief. It doesn’t end. (At least not on this side of Heaven.) Every day brings new challenges, new pain.

But each day also brings hope and healing.

Jonah and I have had the privilege of meeting so many bereaved parents who have experienced loss similar to ours and the thing we are most astounded by, is parents who have felt pressure to grieve in silence. Talking about our grief and remembering our baby girl has been so incredibly healing. We can’t imagine going through it on our own.

Here’s what we know that has allowed us to share so openly.

God has an amazing way of bringing purpose out of pain. Satan’s ultimate goal is to cause us to waste the purpose that God has intended and the easiest way for him to do that is by tempting us to remain silent. So I’m begging you. Resist that temptation.

What better way to share about Heaven? Jesus? Salvation? What better way to portray the love and faithfulness of our God? He has stood by our side through all of our grief and we are a testimony of his unfailing comfort. He is writing an extraordinary story for each and every one of us and it’s not over. Your pain might feel like the end. Your grief might feel like the climax. But, if you give your story to God, the Bible says he can “do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20

All glory to God.

P.S. For those of you who haven’t seen our story, you can watch it here: newspring.org/stories.

Blessed People Are Blessed To Bless People

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Disclaimer: I borrowed this title from a message my Pastor preached. Watch it here.

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I had completely dismissed the idea of joining a support group after my daughter died. Several well-meaning nurses and friends made suggestions but I had looked into a few available options and determined that no one would be able to understand what I was going through. It didn’t matter how similar our stories were; losing Miriam was [is] more devastating than anyone could ever comprehend.

Laying in bed and struggling to fall asleep, I grabbed my phone and noticed my sister had sent me a link to a Facebook page. It was another support group. I opened the page and began scrolling. I saw the title of the group and immediately wanted to know more. Hope Gatherings: Support & Serve.

More than anything, the word “Hope” caught my attention. My fear in joining a support group was the idea that we would all be comparing grief. Looking and listening to each other’s stories and silently declaring that each of our own situations was worse than the others. But reading the word H O P E changed everything. No matter how different our stories, we all would have at least one thing in common. Hope. Hope in Jesus. Hope in Heaven. And hope to see our sweet babies again.

The second thing that made all the difference was the serve aspect of the ministry. It might be hard to open up to strangers and to share my story but, if I could S E R V E other mommas that would be facing this deep grief, I was all in.

Enter the title of this blog.

Blessed people are blessed to bless people.

I went to one Hope Gathering and immediately fell in love. I prayed all the way home that I would be able to be part of this organization. I prayed that God would open up a door for me to volunteer and continue to serve other bereaved families. I couldn’t believe the amount of healing I had experienced with just one visit and it was such an incredible B L E S S I N G.

—

Fast forward a few months and Jonah and I are now part of the Bridget’s Cradles creative team. We get to use our talents and our passions to share the hope and love of Jesus Christ with other bereaved families. It is such a joy and I am so thankful for God’s ability to R E D E E M the brokenness of this world. He has equipped each and every one of us for a greatness we could never fathom and His ultimate desire is to walk with us through life each and every day.

If you feel blessed today, find someone that you can be a blessing to.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

2 Corinthians 1:4

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Forever missing my baby girl. Love you, Miri.

Too Young For Death

It was around 5 p.m. on July 9 when the tears started streaming down my face. No one asked what was wrong. Everyone knew. It was just 6 hours earlier that I learned my baby girl had already passed from this life into eternity. I was in a hospital gown, in a hospital bed, in a hospital room, waiting for the doctor to break my water and start the labor process. This was supposed to be the day I was looking forward to for 8 months but nothing was like I had imagined. There was no excitement, no anxious anticipation, no smiles or laughter. Only tears.

These particular tears, however, were not for my baby girl. No, these tears were for her cousins.

All I could think about in that moment was how all of Miriam’s sweet cousins were too young to experience death. Too young to understand why they would never get to meet the newest member of their family. Too young to understand that there was a baby in my belly one day and not the next. Too young for heartache and disappointment. Too young to sympathize. And, worst of all (it was at this point that the tears started flowing), they might be too young to remember that my Miriam ever even existed. The very thought was too much to bear.

Over the past three months, all of those worries and fears have been completely put to rest. I could never have anticipated the joy that would come from interacting with each of my nieces and nephews following my daughter’s birth.

You see, all of them are still “too young for death.” Too young to understand the devastating separation that results when death comes. But they are also too young to understand the “socially acceptable” responses to death. And that is the most refreshing thing ever. I have had conversations with 3 and 4 year olds that have refreshed my spirit in miraculous ways and I am forever grateful for the blessing that each of these children are in my life. Above all, it is beyond evident that they have not forgotten about Miriam and I am absolutely convinced that they never will.

Just for fun, I have included a few brief comments/conversations. Enjoy.

One of the nieces burst into tears. When asked what was wrong, she responded, “I really wanted Miriam to be 0 like my brother.”
When our oldest nephew heard about Miriam’s death, his mom told him that it was okay for him to be sad. He’s quite a thoughtful little boy and he told his mom, “I am sad. But Miriam is living her best life with Jesus.”
One of the younger girls, not even quite two yet, saw a picture of Miriam on my phone screensaver and simply said, “Pretty baby.” My heart melted.
All of Miriam’s cousins on the Kubish side of the family got together and helped to make a wreath for Miriam’s grave. When they were telling me all about the craft they had done, one of the boys piped up and exclaimed, “We drew a rainbow for Miriam because rainbows are in the sky just like her!”
On vacation with my family, I was sitting at the dining room table playing cards with a niece and a nephew. My niece laid down a card and casually asked, “Do you know who I wish was here?” Expecting her to say one of her friends (maybe even the friend who had taught her this card game), I asked, “Who?” “Miriam,” she said. “I really miss her.” My nephew agreed, “I miss her too.”
A simple prayer from one of my nieces, “God, please help Aunt GG and Uncle Jonah not to be sad. We are all sad because we miss Miriam but thank you that we get to play with her in Heaven some day.”
“Do you think grandma is holding Miriam in Heaven right now? I think she is. And I think Miriam is probably sleeping.” I loved hearing my niece’s theory. Although, from what I know about Miriam (having experienced her in the womb), she’s probably doing somersaults in Heaven. 🙂

This one is my favorite. I can’t explain it and it might seem dark but, I absolutely loved this conversation and I wish adults had the courage to ask me these questions. This was a conversation between me, my 3 year old niece, and my 3 year old nephew.

Nephew: “Are you going to have another baby?”
Me: “Maybe someday I will.”
Niece: “What if that baby dies?”
Me: “Well, then that baby will get to play with Miriam in Heaven until we get there.”
Nephew: “And we will get to play with them too?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Niece: “I hope you have a baby that we get to play with here.”
Me: “Me too, sweetheart. Me too.” ❤

I Wish I Didn’t Know

“Ignorance is bliss.” Or so they say. I never stopped to ponder this thought. It’s not something I can say I have ever related to…until my baby girl’s heart stopped beating.

As I laid in the hospital bed on the evening of July 9, 2019, the nurses informed me of several organizations that would be coming by with resources to share. Resources that would help me through the loss of my daughter. I listened as they described AgapeCare Cradles. An organization that provides caskets (free of charge) to families who experience the loss of a child.

The next morning, after I delivered my sweet Miriam’s body into this world, a wonderful volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) came and took pictures of my beautiful little girl. She spent two hours documenting every single feature from her long eyelashes to her tiny little toes. She gave us priceless mementos that we will cherish forever.

In the weeks following Miriam’s funeral, we discovered blogs, podcasts, books, support groups, all dedicated to helping parents who have experienced loss. One support group, in particular, has been incredibly encouraging to me. Bridget’s Cradles hosts monthly support & serve gatherings where moms who have experienced the death of a child (through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss) gather together and hear a message from God’s word and then work together to serve other moms who are walking (or will walk) this road of grief as well.

I am so thankful for each and every one of these resources that have made an immeasurable impact on my life. But I wish I didn’t know about any of them. I wish I never needed them. I wish my daughter was still alive, growing up “way too fast” like all the other children of moms who are blessed enough to raise their children on this side of eternity. I wish I didn’t know that the tiny practice of inhaling and exhaling was something so precious, something so easily overlooked and taken for granted.

I wish I didn’t know.

But I do.

And, because I do, life will never be the same for me. My perspective on grief has completely changed and I want to share 5 lessons I have learned with you.

DISCLAIMER: I hope I am the only person you ever know that has experienced (or will experience) stillbirth. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. However, many of the tips below are not specific to the loss of a child and I hope they are beneficial for helping you interact with anyone who might be experiencing grief.

1. Don’t ignore it.

This seems SO obvious to me now but I was definitely guilty of not acknowledging people’s grief before I experienced it. I’ve learned that ignoring it is actually one of the worst things you can do. It comes from a good place of trying not to make the grieving person more sad but, honestly, that’s not possible. The truth is, acknowledging the loss is acknowledging the life. When you pretend the loss didn’t happen, it can come across as pretending the life didn’t happen and that is truly devastating—especially in the case of a stillbirth. Having Miriam changed me and it means so much when people acknowledge her life.

2. Don’t say “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

This seems like the right thing to say but it’s too generic. It’s a good start but try being more specific.
- “I’d love to bring dinner over some time. What night works best for you?” (My sisters set up a meal train for us and also made us several frozen meals which was extremely helpful!)
- “Can I mow your lawn this weekend?”
- “I’m in line at Starbucks. Can I pick something up for you?”
- Also sharing songs, books, posts, anything encouraging that reminds the grieving person you are still thinking about them and you are available to talk whenever they feel comfortable.

Just a note on this one—your help won’t always be needed (or wanted). There are many ups and downs in grief and it’s not predictable. If your offer to help is rejected the first time (or even the second or third), just make sure the grieving person knows that you sincerely care and that you will continue to check in periodically.

3. Don’t say “How are you?” unless you actually want to know.

If you’re walking by me in the hallway and asking “How are you?”, just to break the silence…don’t. It’s such a difficult question to answer and it honestly hurts to say “good” just to avoid keeping someone longer than they are comfortable. Instead, say something like, “It’s so good to see you.” or “I’m glad I ran into you, I’ve been praying for you.” (Of course, you should only say these things if they are true.) Just say something that doesn’t require a response. If you actually want to know how I’m doing, be prepared to stay awhile.

4. Don’t say “Time heals.” or “It will get better/easier in time.”

This is big. Time doesn’t heal. God heals over time (if we let Him). And it won’t get better. At least not on this side of eternity. I will learn to adapt and I will develop a new normal but it will never get “easier” to live without my daughter.

5. Don’t forget.

Put a reminder on your calendar to reach out on important dates. For stillbirths, the birthday (also known as “heaven day”), as well as the baby’s original due date, are very significant. Also, keep the parents in mind on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Send a note to let them know you are lifting up a special prayer for them that day. It means the world.

Thanks for reading. I hope these tips are helpful to you in some way. And, just a side note, if you have done or said any of the things that I listed not to do or say, know that no offense was taken. Every person that has interacted with me and Jonah has had the purest and most sincere intentions and we feel incredibly loved by each and every one of you.

💜

#gibsonstoguatemala

As many of you know, Jonah and I had the privilege of spending this past week with the Dinsmore family in Guatemala. Jim and Shelley Dinsmore are some of the most amazing people we have ever met. Ten years ago, they followed God’s calling and committed their lives to reaching lost souls in the Kekchi villages of Petén. While they would both admit that they have had their fair share of struggles, neither would ever dream of giving up the life God has blessed them with in Guatemala.

In March of 2016, Jonah and I were approaching the end of our college careers at Wichita State University and we were eagerly counting down the days until graduation. I remember being particularly stressed out during midterms and complaining to Jonah that I could not wait to finally be done with homework, studying and test taking. It was all so over-whelming and, needless to say, we were ready to be done. We decided to take our minds off of school for a little while and start planning a trip. A big trip. A post-graduation / gigantic celebration of life without school. We discussed many different places; all of which were out of the country. Truth be told, neither one of us really cared all that much about where we went as long as it included a lot of doing nothing.

Once midterms were over, we had spring break to look forward to and we both had that Monday off to enjoy. Jonah was so sweet and bought me a gift certificate to get a massage while he spent the afternoon relaxing. I was soaking my feet while trying to relax and ignore the fact that I still had two months of school left when I decided to start planning our trip again. I closed my eyes and imagined us on a beach somewhere soaking in the sun. My thoughts were interrupted when the masseur came in to begin my massage. It only took about 5 seconds for me to slip right back into the trance. Again I imagined a warm climate with palm trees and lots of soft, white sand.

As I thought, I realized how incredibly blessed Jonah and I were to get to plan a trip like that. Even though we were in a very busy and stressful time of our lives, we had so much to be thankful for and I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. I started thanking God for all of my blessings one by one. It was refreshing. Then I remembered the message I had heard in church just the day before. At the time, I was working in student ministry on the weekends at NewSpring Church and our Student Pastor was out on paternity leave so one of my coworkers was filling in. In his message, he talked about how important it is to be generous with the blessings God has given us. I started thinking about all my blessings again and asked God if there was anything that He had given me that he wanted me to share with others.

I cannot really explain this but I just felt God saying time. Of course I didn’t say this directly to God but He heard my thoughts as I laughed [almost audibly] and pondered: Time? I barely have enough time as it is – there’s no way I could give any away! But then God reminded me – in that still small voice. What about your trip? I thought for a moment. Our trip? How could we give that away?

For the rest of my 75-minute massage, I laid in silence. I tried to imagine what it would look like to give up the week that Jonah and I had been planning. Could we really do anything that would make a difference?

Jonah picked me up after the massage and I did not waste any time sharing with him all the thoughts that were rolling around in my head. He was a little confused at first and neither one of us really knew what next steps to take but I reminded Jonah of a mission trip I had taken in 2008 to visit a couple in Guatemala named Jim and Shelley Dinsmore. We were both a little hesitant but we decided to go ahead and reach out to the Dinsmores. After all, the trip we were planning was going to have to be between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it was possible that they already had other plans or that they didn’t need us. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.

So I messaged Shelley on Facebook. I shared with her our desire to spend some time in Guatemala with them doing whatever was needed during that week. It was only a short time later that Jim responded and let us know they would be happy to have us visit and that the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day would work just fine. We booked our flights and told our parents, all the while nervous beyond belief.

We told very few people about our trip. There were several reasons. First of all, anytime we did tell someone, they would ask what we were going to be doing down there and we didn’t have a clear answer. Second, we didn’t want to make the trip sound like we were the most spiritual people on the planet who spend their vacations hugging orphaned babies in foreign countries. Third, and this one is the most embarrassing, part of us still wished that we were taking an exotic trip for the sole purpose of rest and relaxation.

As the months passed and we grew closer and closer to our trip, the nerves only grew bigger. What are we even going to be doing on this trip? Is this really something God wanted or did we just guilt ourselves into it? What if we are just a burden on Jim and Shelley and they start counting down the days until we leave? The struggle was real. Looking back on it now, we know that Satan was doing everything he possibly could to take our focus off of God’s plan for us.

Toward the end of July, I was attending the wedding of one of my cousins. [What does this have to do with anything? Just wait.] He had asked my sister to take photos (which she has NEVER ONCE EVER said yes to doing when asked because of the pressure) and she agreed but with the help of a family friend. Who was that family friend? Get this – Jim Dinsmore’s mother, Melissa. She had also asked that Jonah help by filming the wedding with one of his cameras. Unfortunately, Jonah was going to be late to the wedding so I ended up taking one of his cameras and riding with my parents. When I arrived, I saw Melissa taking photos and I did my best to sneak over quietly and set up the video camera without her noticing. [If you remember correctly, I wasn’t a huge fan of talking about our trip to Guatemala and I figured there was no real way of avoiding it if I ran into Melissa.] The wedding started and ended and it was time for the thousands of family pictures. They told everyone to gather around and, while we were waiting for a few stragglers, Melissa found me. She was very friendly and began telling me how excited she was that Jonah and I were going to be spending a week with Jim and Shelley and the kids. But it didn’t take long for her to get to the question: So what are you going to be doing there? I hesitated for a moment. I still did not have a very clear idea but I wanted to come up with at least something. Holding Jonah’s camera in my hand, I said: Jonah is going to take his camera and try to get some photos and videos of the work Jim and Shelley are doing. She was ecstatic! Now, this wasn’t a lie or anything. Jonah and I had talked about him getting some footage from the trip but mostly for the purpose of building his portfolio. However, as I listened to Melissa, I realized that a video of the work Jim and Shelley were doing was something that they really did need and was a great way for us to help.

Jonah and I drove home from the wedding that night and discussed the idea of making a video of the Dinsmore’s work. We both got excited about the prospect and began to believe again that this trip was divinely orchestrated.

Then time passed.

A lot of time passed.

Next thing we know, it’s December and the worries began again. Satan knew exactly how to hit us where it would hurt the most and, once again, we doubted that our trip would make an impact. We thought we had a solid direction in mind for the video but we weren’t 100% sure of the story we would be telling as we only knew a surface-level amount of the ministry Jim and Shelley had. In the meantime, we went ahead and rented the equipment we would need to take with us. [Side note: the company we rented through was having a promotion that gave renters the entire week of Dec 25 – Jan 1 absolutely free. We only had to pay for equipment from Dec 22 – 24 and Jan 2. God. Is. Good.]

We were still nervous. So we prayed. And we worried. Then we prayed some more.

Finally, the day came for us to leave. We arrived at the airport around 4 a.m. on the day after Christmas. As can be expected, neither of us were in a particularly good mood and we spent a good portion of the morning quietly pondering what the next week might hold. We made it to Flores, Guatemala around 8 p.m. and Jim greeted us at the airport. We got into his truck, still a little nervous but, open to the possibilities. The drive back to Jim and Shelley’s home changed everything. Jim began describing some of the things that he and Shelley had been doing over the past 10 years since they arrived in Petén. Jonah and I were immediately intrigued and began asking tons of questions. We had no idea what kind of impact they were making in the Kekchi villages and it did not take long to realize why God wanted us to document the work He was doing through them. It is going to be much better in video format but, for those of you who can’t wait, here is a summary of what the Dinsmores are all about.
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Jim and Shelley founded a school called Kekchi Bible Institute (KBI). KBI is located on a piece of land that mimics what a real Kekchi village would look like including the homes, buildings and landscape. At KBI, Jim, Shelley, and several other teachers train Kekchi men and women who are called to be Pastors. They teach them how to study and interpret the Bible, how to minister to others and how to preach but they take it so much further than that. Jim and Shelley realized that the best way for them to be useful to the Kekchi community was to take all of the knowledge and skills they have and pass them on to young Kekchi men and women. Along with the biblical teachings, they also teach community development courses including business economics, art, nutrition and music. While enrolled, the students also have animal and crop projects that they work on around the institute to learn how to be self-sustaining in the villages they end up pastoring. It is truly incredible.

Each student gets to attend KBI for free but they must agree to work 8 hours per week maintaining the farm. The program is 3 years long and, after they graduate, Jim and Shelley help to move them to an unreached village in Kekchi so that they can start a church and begin reaching souls that Jim and Shelley would never be able to reach on their own. In addition, the pastors go out into the field prepared to be completely self-sustaining so that they do not have to take any sort of state side support.

So far, there have been two KBI graduates and Jim and Shelley have a goal of having 50 church plants over the next 5 years. Along with that goal, they are working to make KBI a self-sustaining entity both in capital and resources. While Jim and Shelley plan to live out the rest of their lives in Petén, they want to make sure that when they are gone, the Kekchi community that they are training will be able to keep KBI functioning with no outside support. In order to meet this goal, Jim and Shelley have been incredibly smart about investing the money they receive in KBI rather than spending it on one-time expenses. For example, it cost about $1,200 for a student to go through one year at KBI. However, it only cost about $1,000 to start a chicken project on the farm which will produce about $1,200 in revenue per year. So, when KBI receives a $1,000 gift, Jim uses it to start a chicken project and then one student’s tuition will be paid every year in perpetuity.

The thing I love most about Jim and Shelley (and the biggest reason I believe they have had so much success) is the joy they have in doing the work God has called them to do. They don’t consider themselves martyrs or a “blessing” to the Kekchi people that the entire country should appreciate; they honestly love what they do and would not be happy anywhere else.
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It is comical now to think back on all of the worries and fears we had instead of trusting God in what he had planted on our hearts. This trip was better than anything we could have ever planned on our own and we are so excited to share the footage that we captured along with an interview of Jim and Shelley. I thank God for the privilege of spending a week with their adorable family. I look forward to visiting again soon!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=N3ECsp_PZo4

My Political Views (in under 100 words)

59,814,018 people voted for Hillary Clinton
59,611,678 people voted for Donald Trump
95,368,721 people did not vote
(according to poll results as of 8:15 AM CST 11/10/16)

It is likely that at least 1 out of 4 people who see your Facebook post disagree with you in your opinions about the election.

You might be ecstatic while they are terrified.

You might be disgusted while they are thrilled.

The thing is, everyone is different.

And diversity is what makes America great.

Eating on a Budget

So, the title of this blog may be a little deceiving. My writing today will not focus on how to afford good food on a low-income (so sorry to disappoint) but, before you hit the back button and continue scrolling through your Facebook news feed, give me a few sentences to try to peak your interest. I guarantee if you enjoy budgeting your money as much as I do, you’ll enjoy this blog.

Here it goes.

For the past 5 or 6 months, I have been consistently and tragically gaining weight like I never have before. I had heard about the “Freshmen 15” and the inevitable weight gain after marriage so I was expecting the scale to go up slightly during those seasons of my life but I was not prepared to struggle on an uphill battle of weight gain immediately after graduating college. And I could not determine the source of the weight gain. I felt like I was eating the same (a lot) and working out the same (none) and there was no big change in my life that should have spurred a sudden weight gain. It was quite frustrating to say the least.

So I started dieting (yuck). And then I started exercising. I was pretty much bound and determined to do whatever it took to get back to my pre-graduation weight. But NOTHING WAS WORKING! I was constantly sore from working out and never enjoyed the food I was eating plus I always wanted to cheat on my diets or sleep in a little late and I was getting SO discouraged that I could not maintain a healthy lifestyle. I felt like such a failure.

Finally, I decided to try something different. My husband had bought me a Fitbit for my birthday and I had already entered in my weight and how much I wanted to lose on the app so it was giving me feedback on how many calories I was burning and how many calories I should be eating each day in order to meet my goal. I knew it synced with MyFitness Pal app so I decided to start tracking my calories religiously. I was going to do it faithfully for at least a week and see if I noticed any change.

Starting July 25 through July 31, I entered every single thing that I ate in my app down to the condiments and I made sure that the amount of calories I ate was at or below the limit set for me by my Fitbit app. In that first week, I lost 2.5 lbs and I literally jumped off the scale with joy!

I realized that this type of diet could work for me. I have always been able to manage my money well and budget wisely and thinking of my calories as a “budget” just clicked with me.

Just like I earn money at my job, I also earn calories throughout the day. And just like I spend money, I also spend calories anytime I eat. Once I realized this, it was so much easier for me to say “No” to a bacon cheeseburger because I hadn’t earned enough calories to spend on eating it. At the same time, it has encouraged me to take more steps and do more exercises because I know exactly how many calories I am earning when I do. There is a much greater incentive for me to stay active when I know that the more I earn, the more I can spend on eating the things I enjoy.

This may not apply to anyone else out there but it has helped me immensely. Since July 25th, I have lost 7.5 lbs and surpassed my original goal.

This mindset works! (Well, at least for me 😉)

Thanks for reading.

A MoviePass Review

For those of you who have been around me even a little bit in the last month, I’m sure you have heard me talk about {more like RAVE about} MoviePass. If you find you are not one of those fortunate souls, let me brief you.

MoviePass is a company that partners with movie theaters all over the country and gives you access to see any movie at any of those theaters for a monthly subscription fee of $30. There are two major restrictions: 1) You can only see one movie every 24 hours and 2) You cannot see the same movie more than once.

When my husband and I graduated college, purchasing a MoviePass subscription was the #1 item on his to-do list. I was quite hesitant as I didn’t think we saw enough movies to justify spending $60 per month ($30 for each of us).

I’m a Data Analyst so, naturally, I gave him all the facts.

“We only saw 11 movies between the two of us last year which cost us $132 {yes, I looked through all of our bank transactions — this is an accurate count}. If we spend $60 per month on MoviePass, we will be investing $720 per year ($60 x 12 months). There’s no way we can do that.”

He insisted that we give it a try and, since MoviePass has no contract obligation, I agreed we could test it out for one month.

Here are the results of my analysis.

As mentioned above, the 12 months previous to us subscribing to MoviePass, we purchased 11 tickets ($132.00) and spent $23.97 on food for a total of $155.97.

In comparison, during our first month of MoviePass, we purchased 19 tickets ($60.00) and spent $50.45 on food for a total of $110.45.

Now I know what you are thinking. “Grace was right. Spending $110.45 per month is WAY more than spending $155.97 per year.” And you’re right. If we keep going at the rate we are seeing movies and eating food, we will spend over $1,000 more this year on movies than we did last year.

But there’s another factor to be considered. We saw NINETEEN movies between the two of us in one month whereas we only saw ELEVEN movies between us in the previous year. When you take that into consideration, our PRICE PER MOVIE significantly decreased. Last year, we paid approximately $14.18 per movie and, this month, we only spent $5.81 per movie (food included).

So yes, I was right. MoviePass is MUCH more expensive. But when you consider the increase in value for the price you are paying, it’s really a no-brainer. Yes, there are a lot of other things we could do with $1,000 per year but now we get to have consistent date nights once a week {sometimes more!} doing something we both enjoy.

I absolutely love it and would recommend it to any of you DINKs (dual-income-no-kids) out there who enjoy the cinema.

When You’re Not “Feeling 22”

I vividly remember hearing Taylor Swift’s song “22” for the first time. I had just graduated high school and celebrated my 18th birthday and one of my friends had given me Taylor Swift’s newly released album: Red.

I recall listening to the first 5 songs on the CD (gosh, we still used CDs back then!!) and thinking that they were all pretty sad and depressing. Not in a bad way, just in a there’s more to life but I haven’t found it kind of way.

Then track 6 started.

The lyrics and the music were so upbeat; I couldn’t help but smile and bop my head to the rhythm. As the chorus hit, I heard the popular line: “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22!” (don’t even pretend that you didn’t just sing that as you read it). I remember thinking how FUN being 22 must be and I was envious that I had to wait 4 years to experience it.

–Fast forward to 2016–

A couple of months ago, I was counting down the days until I would FINALLY graduate from college and, as the day neared, I realized that my 22nd birthday was also approaching.

And then it hit me.

Taylor Swift’s song.

Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming since of regret. What had I done in the last 4 years? What had I done in the last {almost} 22 years? I had been waiting. Waiting for my life to start. Waiting for the moment where suddenly everything would magically fall into place and I could just sit back, take it easy and enjoy life.

I realized in that moment that there were so many things I had put on the back burner. So many things that had my focus and attention that shouldn’t have.

I am embarrassed to admit that my little self-pity session actually lasted quite a bit longer than it should have. Nearly two weeks went by where all I did was think about the things I hadn’t done. All I could do was think about how I absolutely did not want to turn 22.

Thankfully, my husband was there to snap me out of it. With his encouragement, and through reading scripture, I realized that the easiest way for my life to become meaningless was for me to dwell on all the things I did that I shouldn’t have done and all the things I didn’t do that I should have done.

I am so grateful that my God is not a God of guilt and regret. He is a God bursting with unending love and faithfulness and He has a plan for my life.

All I have to do is surrender to Him.

I am proud to say that, although I know this year will be full of ups and downs, trials and tribulations, times of blessing and times of struggle, I’m trusting that God is working through it all and, with Him, nothing is impossible.

So…I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22.

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