Miriam Lois

Blessed People Are Blessed To Bless People

BC_Footprints

Disclaimer: I borrowed this title from a message my Pastor preached. Watch it here.

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I had completely dismissed the idea of joining a support group after my daughter died. Several well-meaning nurses and friends made suggestions but I had looked into a few available options and determined that no one would be able to understand what I was going through. It didn’t matter how similar our stories were; losing Miriam was [is] more devastating than anyone could ever comprehend.

Laying in bed and struggling to fall asleep, I grabbed my phone and noticed my sister had sent me a link to a Facebook page. It was another support group. I opened the page and began scrolling. I saw the title of the group and immediately wanted to know more. Hope Gatherings: Support & Serve.

More than anything, the word “Hope” caught my attention. My fear in joining a support group was the idea that we would all be comparing grief. Looking and listening to each other’s stories and silently declaring that each of our own situations was worse than the others. But reading the word H O P E changed everything. No matter how different our stories, we all would have at least one thing in common. Hope. Hope in Jesus. Hope in Heaven. And hope to see our sweet babies again.

The second thing that made all the difference was the serve aspect of the ministry. It might be hard to open up to strangers and to share my story but, if I could S E R V E other mommas that would be facing this deep grief, I was all in.

Enter the title of this blog.

Blessed people are blessed to bless people.

I went to one Hope Gathering and immediately fell in love. I prayed all the way home that I would be able to be part of this organization. I prayed that God would open up a door for me to volunteer and continue to serve other bereaved families. I couldn’t believe the amount of healing I had experienced with just one visit and it was such an incredible B L E S S I N G.

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Fast forward a few months and Jonah and I are now part of the Bridget’s Cradles creative team. We get to use our talents and our passions to share the hope and love of Jesus Christ with other bereaved families. It is such a joy and I am so thankful for God’s ability to R E D E E M the brokenness of this world. He has equipped each and every one of us for a greatness we could never fathom and His ultimate desire is to walk with us through life each and every day.

If you feel blessed today, find someone that you can be a blessing to.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

2 Corinthians 1:4

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Forever missing my baby girl. Love you, Miri.

Too Young For Death

It was around 5 p.m. on July 9 when the tears started streaming down my face. No one asked what was wrong. Everyone knew. It was just 6 hours earlier that I learned my baby girl had already passed from this life into eternity. I was in a hospital gown, in a hospital bed, in a hospital room, waiting for the doctor to break my water and start the labor process. This was supposed to be the day I was looking forward to for 8 months but nothing was like I had imagined. There was no excitement, no anxious anticipation, no smiles or laughter. Only tears.

These particular tears, however, were not for my baby girl. No, these tears were for her cousins.

All I could think about in that moment was how all of Miriam’s sweet cousins were too young to experience death. Too young to understand why they would never get to meet the newest member of their family. Too young to understand that there was a baby in my belly one day and not the next. Too young for heartache and disappointment. Too young to sympathize. And, worst of all (it was at this point that the tears started flowing), they might be too young to remember that my Miriam ever even existed. The very thought was too much to bear.

Over the past three months, all of those worries and fears have been completely put to rest. I could never have anticipated the joy that would come from interacting with each of my nieces and nephews following my daughter’s birth.

You see, all of them are still “too young for death.” Too young to understand the devastating separation that results when death comes. But they are also too young to understand the “socially acceptable” responses to death. And that is the most refreshing thing ever. I have had conversations with 3 and 4 year olds that have refreshed my spirit in miraculous ways and I am forever grateful for the blessing that each of these children are in my life. Above all, it is beyond evident that they have not forgotten about Miriam and I am absolutely convinced that they never will.

Just for fun, I have included a few brief comments/conversations. Enjoy.

One of the nieces burst into tears. When asked what was wrong, she responded, “I really wanted Miriam to be 0 like my brother.”
When our oldest nephew heard about Miriam’s death, his mom told him that it was okay for him to be sad. He’s quite a thoughtful little boy and he told his mom, “I am sad. But Miriam is living her best life with Jesus.”
One of the younger girls, not even quite two yet, saw a picture of Miriam on my phone screensaver and simply said, “Pretty baby.” My heart melted.
All of Miriam’s cousins on the Kubish side of the family got together and helped to make a wreath for Miriam’s grave. When they were telling me all about the craft they had done, one of the boys piped up and exclaimed, “We drew a rainbow for Miriam because rainbows are in the sky just like her!”
On vacation with my family, I was sitting at the dining room table playing cards with a niece and a nephew. My niece laid down a card and casually asked, “Do you know who I wish was here?” Expecting her to say one of her friends (maybe even the friend who had taught her this card game), I asked, “Who?” “Miriam,” she said. “I really miss her.” My nephew agreed, “I miss her too.”
A simple prayer from one of my nieces, “God, please help Aunt GG and Uncle Jonah not to be sad. We are all sad because we miss Miriam but thank you that we get to play with her in Heaven some day.”
“Do you think grandma is holding Miriam in Heaven right now? I think she is. And I think Miriam is probably sleeping.” I loved hearing my niece’s theory. Although, from what I know about Miriam (having experienced her in the womb), she’s probably doing somersaults in Heaven. 🙂

This one is my favorite. I can’t explain it and it might seem dark but, I absolutely loved this conversation and I wish adults had the courage to ask me these questions. This was a conversation between me, my 3 year old niece, and my 3 year old nephew.

Nephew: “Are you going to have another baby?”
Me: “Maybe someday I will.”
Niece: “What if that baby dies?”
Me: “Well, then that baby will get to play with Miriam in Heaven until we get there.”
Nephew: “And we will get to play with them too?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Niece: “I hope you have a baby that we get to play with here.”
Me: “Me too, sweetheart. Me too.” ❤

I Wish I Didn’t Know

“Ignorance is bliss.” Or so they say. I never stopped to ponder this thought. It’s not something I can say I have ever related to…until my baby girl’s heart stopped beating.

As I laid in the hospital bed on the evening of July 9, 2019, the nurses informed me of several organizations that would be coming by with resources to share. Resources that would help me through the loss of my daughter. I listened as they described AgapeCare Cradles. An organization that provides caskets (free of charge) to families who experience the loss of a child.

The next morning, after I delivered my sweet Miriam’s body into this world, a wonderful volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) came and took pictures of my beautiful little girl. She spent two hours documenting every single feature from her long eyelashes to her tiny little toes. She gave us priceless mementos that we will cherish forever.

In the weeks following Miriam’s funeral, we discovered blogs, podcasts, books, support groups, all dedicated to helping parents who have experienced loss. One support group, in particular, has been incredibly encouraging to me. Bridget’s Cradles hosts monthly support & serve gatherings where moms who have experienced the death of a child (through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss) gather together and hear a message from God’s word and then work together to serve other moms who are walking (or will walk) this road of grief as well.

I am so thankful for each and every one of these resources that have made an immeasurable impact on my life. But I wish I didn’t know about any of them. I wish I never needed them. I wish my daughter was still alive, growing up “way too fast” like all the other children of moms who are blessed enough to raise their children on this side of eternity. I wish I didn’t know that the tiny practice of inhaling and exhaling was something so precious, something so easily overlooked and taken for granted.

I wish I didn’t know.

But I do.

And, because I do, life will never be the same for me. My perspective on grief has completely changed and I want to share 5 lessons I have learned with you.

DISCLAIMER: I hope I am the only person you ever know that has experienced (or will experience) stillbirth. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. However, many of the tips below are not specific to the loss of a child and I hope they are beneficial for helping you interact with anyone who might be experiencing grief.

1. Don’t ignore it.

This seems SO obvious to me now but I was definitely guilty of not acknowledging people’s grief before I experienced it. I’ve learned that ignoring it is actually one of the worst things you can do. It comes from a good place of trying not to make the grieving person more sad but, honestly, that’s not possible. The truth is, acknowledging the loss is acknowledging the life. When you pretend the loss didn’t happen, it can come across as pretending the life didn’t happen and that is truly devastating—especially in the case of a stillbirth. Having Miriam changed me and it means so much when people acknowledge her life.

2. Don’t say “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

This seems like the right thing to say but it’s too generic. It’s a good start but try being more specific.
- “I’d love to bring dinner over some time. What night works best for you?” (My sisters set up a meal train for us and also made us several frozen meals which was extremely helpful!)
- “Can I mow your lawn this weekend?”
- “I’m in line at Starbucks. Can I pick something up for you?”
- Also sharing songs, books, posts, anything encouraging that reminds the grieving person you are still thinking about them and you are available to talk whenever they feel comfortable.

Just a note on this one—your help won’t always be needed (or wanted). There are many ups and downs in grief and it’s not predictable. If your offer to help is rejected the first time (or even the second or third), just make sure the grieving person knows that you sincerely care and that you will continue to check in periodically.

3. Don’t say “How are you?” unless you actually want to know.

If you’re walking by me in the hallway and asking “How are you?”, just to break the silence…don’t. It’s such a difficult question to answer and it honestly hurts to say “good” just to avoid keeping someone longer than they are comfortable. Instead, say something like, “It’s so good to see you.” or “I’m glad I ran into you, I’ve been praying for you.” (Of course, you should only say these things if they are true.) Just say something that doesn’t require a response. If you actually want to know how I’m doing, be prepared to stay awhile.

4. Don’t say “Time heals.” or “It will get better/easier in time.”

This is big. Time doesn’t heal. God heals over time (if we let Him). And it won’t get better. At least not on this side of eternity. I will learn to adapt and I will develop a new normal but it will never get “easier” to live without my daughter.

5. Don’t forget.

Put a reminder on your calendar to reach out on important dates. For stillbirths, the birthday (also known as “heaven day”), as well as the baby’s original due date, are very significant. Also, keep the parents in mind on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Send a note to let them know you are lifting up a special prayer for them that day. It means the world.

Thanks for reading. I hope these tips are helpful to you in some way. And, just a side note, if you have done or said any of the things that I listed not to do or say, know that no offense was taken. Every person that has interacted with me and Jonah has had the purest and most sincere intentions and we feel incredibly loved by each and every one of you.

💜

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