Have you ever been afraid? It’s a terrible feeling. It’s filled with doubt, anxiety, pain, distraction, and all kinds of other unpleasant emotions. Fear robs you of your security. It steals your peace.

But where does fear come from? What is the source?

On July 27, 2017, Jonah and I were up bright and early with incredible anticipation for the day. It was a Thursday and we were on our way to get sonogram pictures of our first little baby. We were both giddy with excitement. The whole way to the appointment, we discussed how we would share the news with our families.

I was expecting a much more interactive appointment but the sonographer simply took pictures in silence and quietly left the room. Jonah squeezed my hand and a concerned look fell over his face. I commented on the fact that the technician was very business-like but then moved on to how and when we should tell his parents.

The technician came back in the room accompanied by a nurse.

“Have you had any cramping?” the nurse asked.

“Nope!” I replied cheerfully.

“Any bleeding?”

“No.” I was confused by her line of questioning. “I have been feeling nauseous in the mornings but I haven’t had any other pregnancy symptoms.”

She looked at us and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and, in the plainest voice she could muster, she stated, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat.”

I didn’t blink. My eyes were dry and then suddenly wet.

I could not understand. I could not process. And then it happened. Fear entered me.

So, what was the source? Was it death that caused fear? Was it a doctor’s office? Was my fear simply a result of anger or confusion?

In the gospel of John, chapter 13 tells the account of Jesus serving his disciples by washing their feet. It’s an incredible example of what it means to lead with a servant’s heart and I’m thankful Jesus provided that illustration for us. At the end of the chapter, he begins to explain that he is going to be leaving the disciples. In verse 36, I see fear enter Peter.

Simon Peter asked him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.” Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.”

– John 13:36-37

In this scripture, Peter is basically telling Jesus that he will do anything to avoid being apart from him. He says he is even willing to die to avoid separation from Jesus. But look at Jesus’ statement starting in the first verse of chapter 14.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

– John 14:1-3

Peter was telling Jesus, “I need to know where you are going, I need to go with you. I need to be in control.” And Jesus (with truth and grace) told Peter, “You don’t need to be in control. I have a plan. I have shared my plan with you. You know my character and you know that you can trust me. Give me control and do not be afraid.”

Fast forward to January 17, 2019. I was 11 weeks pregnant with sweet Miriam. We headed to the doctor’s office to get our first sonogram. My fists were clenched tight enough that my knuckles had turned white. I was filled with fear. The moment we heard her tiny heart beating, I burst with tears of joy. I couldn’t believe it. We had made it into the “safety zone.” Our baby was alive and well.

A few weeks later, I began to feel Miriam move for the first time. I felt so fortunate to have the constant reminder that she was doing well. I had conquered my fear. Or so I thought.

One particular Monday evening, I finished my nightly routine and climbed into bed. I put my hand on my stomach and started talking to Miriam—telling her goodnight. I was still for a few minutes, waiting for her to move but she didn’t. I remained silent and began to concentrate trying to pay attention to even the slightest flutters. Nothing. I woke Jonah and told him she wasn’t moving. It had only been five or six minutes but it felt like an eternity. He asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room and I stood up ready to go. The moment my feet hit the floor, Miriam did a little flip and began to move around again. *insert sigh of relief*

I laid back down and began to pray. My prayer started out thanking God that Miriam was safe and asking for His help to calm my nerves in the future. However, my prayer turned rather quickly. I don’t remember the exact words but I said something along the lines of, “God, if you are planning to take Miriam from me…don’t. I cannot lose her.” If I’m being honest, this statement was meant as a threat. I placed my hand back on my stomach as Miriam continued to move and, ever so gently, the Holy Spirit whispered, “Why do you think she belongs to you?”

I tried to dismiss the thought but I couldn’t. I realized that my fear was still present. Still permeating every aspect of my pregnancy. I was completely overwhelmed. I remember playing out every worst case scenario and feeling desperate to rid my mind of the anxiety. I had no control. There was nothing I could do to ensure Miriam’s safety in my womb. And, even if there was, there was nothing I would be able to do to ensure her safety after she was born. I was helpless, completely and utterly helpless. I felt as though I was drowning in burden when I heard the Holy Spirit whisper again, “Why do you think she belongs to you?”

This time, the question was different. The Holy Spirit was reminding me that my baby girl belonged to my Heavenly Father. The fear, anxiety, and burden I was experiencing was never meant for me. As the tears fell, I surrendered everything to God. I prayed that His will would be done in Miriam’s life and that He would receive all the praise and glory. I knew I could not live the rest of my life in fear and I asked instead that God would give me a spirit of humility and reverence in the knowledge that:

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

– Romans 8:28

I think about that Monday evening often. I think about my surrender. I think about what God has done in my life through Miriam and in others’ lives as a result of her life and I am so incredibly grateful. While my plan was nowhere near God’s plan, I have experienced His presence and His love in unimaginable ways.

I miss my babies every single day. I wonder if I will ever have a living child to love and raise on this earth. But I don’t fear (or I try not to…still human over here). I have realized that God is faithful in His promise to never leave us or forsake us and that is my constant hope.

While fear grasps for control, humility gives control to the Creator. You can find rest in His hands today.